"The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoot"

Writings and chronicles of the OOniverse.

Moderators: another_commander, winston

Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

Chapter 44 - It's All In The Family.

Go ye forth, my loyal readers, and partake thy selves thereof! And may thou receiveth pleasure from it in the fullness of time!


Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

Chapter 46 - A Wedding And More.

Sorry for not posting as often anymore. I have started a new job (at least for now), so it's keeping me a bit busy.

User avatar
Diziet Sma
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 6310
Joined: Mon Apr 06, 2009 12:20 pm
Location: Aboard the Pitviper S.E. "Blackwidow"

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Diziet Sma »

Paradox wrote:Sorry for not posting as often anymore. I have started a new job (at least for now), so it's keeping me a bit busy.
No worries mate.. had a feeling it was something like that. :wink:
Most games have some sort of paddling-pool-and-water-wings beginning to ease you in: Oolite takes the rather more Darwinian approach of heaving you straight into the ocean, often with a brick or two in your pockets for luck. ~ Disembodied

Neelix
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 288
Joined: Sat May 31, 2014 9:02 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Neelix »

You seem to have Terra handing something back to Spitfire twice... (once before packing, and once before take-off)

- Neelix
Talaxian Enterprises: [wiki]Vacuum Pump[/wiki] [wiki]Waypoint Here[/wiki]

Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

Neelix wrote:
You seem to have Terra handing something back to Spitfire twice... (once before packing, and once before take-off)

- Neelix
Thank you Neelix! I re-wrote that section about three times, and that seems to have gotten overlooked. I also forgot to replace JOP with Justice of the Peace. Both fixed!

I hereby promote you, to my official editor! }:]

Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

Diziet Sma wrote:
Paradox wrote:Sorry for not posting as often anymore. I have started a new job (at least for now), so it's keeping me a bit busy.
No worries mate.. had a feeling it was something like that. :wink:
Ya, better than the Goodwill job by a mile or three, but still runs my old butt off. I move cars around a 30 acre auto auction now.

Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

Chapter 47 – The Blacks Meet An Angel.

This was a long chapter, and definitely different from my usual! I think it turned out rather good!

User avatar
SteveKing
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 258
Joined: Tue Apr 15, 2014 9:09 am
Location: DownUnder (W Aus)

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by SteveKing »

Phew! That was a bit of a chest pounder - in both a heart hammering and fist beating sort of way.
Paradox wrote:This was a long chapter
Worth every extra line :D

Just a bit of feedback - keep an eye on the number of commas (here's an example) - "My little Spitfire, tend to get a bit excited, when we are in battle" would read simply "My little Spitfire tend(s) to get a bit excited when we are in battle".

Although having said that, it so works for Morgan after his, um... throat massage - "You're doing fine, and I am so very, very, proud of you. I love you, with all my soul. You just do, what needs to be done, and remember that" works great with a bruised larynx and oesophagus - you feel every wince as he breathes and swallows :)

I am very much enjoying this little Oodventure fantasy romp :D Is it looking like we might get a bit of 'Salt 'n Peppa' seasoning for our hero's culinary delight? :wink:
SteveKing
(not quite the author)

User avatar
ClymAngus
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 2508
Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:31 am
Location: London England
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by ClymAngus »

You see this is what I'm talking about. Investment. Some may think that this is just a bit of space porn but readers invest in the characters here! I don't tend to want people dead by by lord lummy when Jake was through. I could have happily danced on his grave.

It's because Paradox is unpredictable. He can write sex (that much is obvious) but if you can write sex you always have the option of writing rape. No spoilers but; The reader is hit with the "split fingers in front of the eyes" dilemma. Ok so the characters maybe shagging like demons most of the time, BUT these threats make them.

Drew writes emotion and consequence. Higher mind, is his playground.

You sir are a visceral writer! A totally different beast.

Excellent work.

Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

SteveKing wrote:Phew! That was a bit of a chest pounder - in both a heart hammering and fist beating sort of way.
Paradox wrote:This was a long chapter
Worth every extra line :D

Just a bit of feedback - keep an eye on the number of commas (here's an example) - "My little Spitfire, tend to get a bit excited, when we are in battle" would read simply "My little Spitfire tend(s) to get a bit excited when we are in battle".

Although having said that, it so works for Morgan after his, um... throat massage - "You're doing fine, and I am so very, very, proud of you. I love you, with all my soul. You just do, what needs to be done, and remember that" works great with a bruised larynx and oesophagus - you feel every wince as he breathes and swallows :)
I do struggle with commas. I have had to rewrite many paragraphs, simply because I struggled with a single line that I couldn't get to sound right. That last sentence is a good example. I debated over the use of a comma after the words "single line". I am not sure why they are such a problem for me. I understand their purpose. And you wold think, with the many thousands of books I read/have read, I would have that down pat. Maybe I just read too fast, and I need to actually start looking at what I am reading. };]
SteveKing wrote:I am very much enjoying this little Oodventure fantasy romp :D Is it looking like we might get a bit of 'Salt 'n Peppa' seasoning for our hero's culinary delight? :wink:
Once again, I have no clue as to why she appeared in the story. I was relieved to get his Pa and Terra off the ship, and here I go and drop another one in it. I liked the idea of a female pirate. But as soon as I started writing it, Spitfire just naturally felt some kind of bond with her. And you saw the results. I have no clue what I am going to do with her... I know the direction that the story is trying to go in, but I really want to avoid something that obvious if I can. I guess we shall all see together! };]

Paradox
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 607
Joined: Wed Feb 20, 2013 1:24 am
Location: Aboard the D.T.T Snake Charmer: My Xanadu
Contact:

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Paradox »

ClymAngus wrote:You see this is what I'm talking about. Investment. Some may think that this is just a bit of space porn but readers invest in the characters here! I don't tend to want people dead by by lord lummy when Jake was through. I could have happily danced on his grave.
I had to play Jake very carefully... Too abusive, or do the wrong thing, and that may have had permanent repercussions to Spitfire and Morgans "playful" relationship. As it is, I am going to have some bridges to mend there. Perhaps, that is Angels role in this... Hmmm.... };]

I would have made him even meaner than he was, but I was beginning to worry about just how long that chapter was getting! };] (6167 words, for the curious!)
ClymAngus wrote:It's because Paradox is unpredictable. He can write sex (that much is obvious) but if you can write sex you always have the option of writing rape. No spoilers but; The reader is hit with the "split fingers in front of the eyes" dilemma. Ok so the characters maybe shagging like demons most of the time, BUT these threats make them.
};] Yep, perhaps a little too much sex... But now that the shiny has worn off of it, I am making an honest effort to insure there is a reason for it. Whether Spitfire needs emotional reassurance, or she needs to reinforce her bond with Morgan, etc... I try to make sure there is some logical reason for it to happen, and not just gratuitous sex... Usually... };]
ClymAngus wrote:Drew writes emotion and consequence. Higher mind, is his playground.

You sir are a visceral writer! A totally different beast.

Excellent work.
Umm.. Thank you...? };] Although I like to think I put some emotions into my characters as well.


User avatar
Ranthe
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 330
Joined: Sat Oct 13, 2012 7:35 pm
Location: Paraparaumu, New Zealand (TL 8, Rich Agricultural, Multi-Government)

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Ranthe »

Nice one!

A piece of general feedback though - one thing I've noticed is the tendency to capitalise the 'dialogue adjective' (for want of a better term) as though it was a new sentence, when it actually is a continuation of the same sentence. I suspect it may be the spelling checker flagging it as a spelling mistake in error.

Example:
“What's going on Morgan?” Demanded Angel.
should be
“What's going on Morgan?” demanded Angel.
Also, there should be a comma instead of a full-stop/period when the dialogue isn't ending with a question mark or exclamation mark:
“Umm.. we have a small problem baby.” Said Spitfire's
should read
“Umm... we have a small problem baby,” said Spitfire.
Commander Ranthe: Flying the Anaconda-class transport Atomic Annie through Galaxy 2.
Combat Ranking: Dangerous
"Big ships take more booty on your interstellar flights..."

Malacandra
---- E L I T E ----
---- E L I T E ----
Posts: 466
Joined: Fri Feb 08, 2013 12:12 pm

Re: "The Adventures of Captain Morgan" Or "Damn That Mossfoo

Post by Malacandra »

Ranthe wrote:Nice one!

A piece of general feedback though - one thing I've noticed is the tendency to capitalise the 'dialogue adjective' (for want of a better term)
*cough*verb*cough*
"Sidewinder Precision Pro" and other Oolite fiction is now available for Amazon Kindle at a bargain price.

Sidewinder Precision Pro ||Claymore Mine ||The Russian Creed ||One Jump Ahead

All titles also available in paperback.

Post Reply